Functional Co-Dependence: Beneath the Shadows
Nov 16, 03:34 PM by Stewart Bloom

In the last column I continued writing about the phenonmena of functional co-dependency in committed relationships. Yesterday’s column featured a discussion about functioning co-dependent relationships with people who are narcissistic. In these relationships, the dysfunctional aspects of the relationship are cloaked by an external appearance of mutuality and equality between the couple.

While these relationships lack the abusive and highly dysfunctional behaviors and interactions that typify a traditionally co-dependent relationship, close inspection often reveals a phenomena this writer calls Imbalanced Accomodation. This term refers to the broad freedom in which the controlling partner can function outside of the primary relationship. These “person-oriented” activities are unrelated to the couple or the family system and are on the surface, generally endorsed by the partner.

In addition to the above, imbalanced accomodation has very subtle features that permeates all aspects of the relationship from sexual to social to child rearing. In these instances the business of the household, the social life, and the relationship is primarily deferred to the controlling, often narcissistic partner. All aspects of the primary and family relationship pass through the the controlling partner. However it “seems” as though decisions are mutual and democratic. There is a significant and constant undertone of conflict avoidance and control in these relationships.

In observing many of these relationships, this writer has also noted a subtle “as if” quality in which the narcissistic behavior is regarded by the partner as a postive and enduring quality that encapsulates the powerful feelings of attraction between the co-dependent person and his/her (narcissistic) partner. The “as if” component refers to the fact that there are no apparent feelings of resentment, hostility or helplesness on the part of the co-dependent person. This is a key distinction between what is know as classic co-dependency and functional co-dependency; and it is what creates the frequent appearance of harmony in the relationship.

Narcissistic Infatuation

In spite of how it sounds, narcissistic infatuation is not intended to refer to a dysfunctional infatuation with the self, which is a component of the narcissistic personality. In this context, narcissistic infatuation is what I mean when I discuss the co-dependent’s unwavering accomodation of his/her partner. This dynamic may be in play for a variety of reasons: One example is that the co-dependent person may be insecure and derives his/her own positive sense of self by idealizing the partner; thus believing that he/she has value by virtue of being in relationship with the individual. This is common with people who are externally secure and confident but beneath the serface are actually insecure and often quite needy.

In instances related to the above, there is actually a serious fear of rejection should the co-dependent person “stand up” to the partner, and so the individual becomes expert in rationalizing the co-dependent nuances of the relationship. The defense of rationalization is used specifically to preserve the sense of connectedness to the acting-out partner to avoid abandonment and rejection. What makes this type of co-dependence so resiliant (and subtle) is that this process of rationalization is accomplished and maintained in a psychologically painfree manner; the negative feelings associated with it are unconscious and covertly avoided. It is like the story of the elephant in the middle of the living room.

We’ll continue on this topic and include discussion of how children of functionally co-dependent couples are impacted in a future entry.

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